Modern society places a great deal of importance on outer appearance. Women are held to especially high standards in this regard. Whether its beauty, fashion or the latest Red Bottom shoe. However there is something else that is given much more attention: weight. Each year it seems women need to be thinner, and that a svelte and thin physique equates to a beautiful woman. I will admit, I am under that spell.
Ever since I was little, I was told and believed that if my body wasn’t perfect, meaning thin with the right amount of curves and muscle tone, that I was a horrid looking creature. What’s kept this construct alive are the health problems I continue to battle.
I am a vegan. Not the pasta, carb kind of vegan. But the organic, NON-GMO, fruits and vegetables kind of vegan. I don’t eat past 7 p.m. and overall my diet is extremely healthy. It has been for a long time. I also used to kill myself at the gym and work with a personal trainer. However instead of any pounds coming off, they kept mounting. How does that even happen? Now that I have Fibromyalgia, it’s harder to be active. However I still try to be as active as I can be. If that isn’t discouraging and doesn’t make you want to run for the doughnut shop, nothing will.
However, I never ran or run there. I have asked my doctors what the problem is and why it is impossible for me to lose weight. Their reply: It’s the PCOS, it’s the Cushing’s Disease, it’s all of the medication you take, it’s the sleep apnea, I am not sure we probably need to run more tests.
It’s extremely disconcerting to know that there’s NOTHING I can do to make the pounds shed off, even though I am doing all of the right things. My endocrinologist recently said that I may have a shot if I work out intensely six days a week for an hour each day. Seriously? So I am supposed to run down an already sick body that eats a plant based diet. Yes. It’s the only option I have.
What makes me cry is that all it takes most people is eating a well balanced diet and working out moderately each week to maintain a nice figure. However for me to even have a prayer, not a guarantee, but just a shot, I have to give up any type of cheat food, work out my body like I’m training for a marathon, and still suffer with illnesses. All for a gamble that I might still not like what I see in the mirror staring back at me.
But life is not fair. I have learned that a number of different ways. What’s really upsetting to me is that people judge you on your appearance. When people see me I bet they’re thinking, “there’s a girl who loves cake.” Actually no. I don’t eat cake. I am a vegan and am very healthy and look like this because my body is combating several serious illnesses. Also, when you weigh more than you should, that puts you at risk for other serious health conditions such as: diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease and high cholesterol.
I don’t live a lifestyle that would warrant such conditions. All I can do at this point is follow my doctor’s recommendations, and take it one day at a time. However discouraging each day may be, I hope there comes a point where I can look in the mirror, and like what I see.
Until next time,
Sam
A Forever Patient: A Day in the Life 